I Forced a Bot to Write this Blog Post so I Could Take a Nap

June 18, 2018

It’s amazing what AI is capable of these days. Case in point: writer and comedian Keaton Patti recently forced a poor, innocent bot to watch hundreds of hours of Olive Garden commercials and write its own version.

The commercial has gone viral on social media. Some people were amused by the bot’s writing abilities. Others suspected that Keaton himself wrote the script. None of this concerns me. All I care about is the fact that, apparently, bots are now capable of writing semi-coherent sentences.

This is huge: my whole job consists of writing semi-coherent sentences. If I could get a bot to do it for free, then I would have much more time to pursue my passions, such as napping, eating junk food, and watching Netflix during work. You can imagine my excitement.

Without further ado, I present to you the very first blog post written entirely by X-Mode’s in-house AI, dXter. Please enjoy. If you have any questions, I’ll be catching up on Riverdale.

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There has never been a more exciting time to be human.

Every day, innovative visionaries — and innovators with true vision —  are boldly mapping out the future. They are charting a new path forward to advance our species into the next era of our evolution — an era driven by change, advancement, and advancing change.

Innovation makes tomorrow today.

At X-Mode, we care about our mission. What is our mission, you ask? To bring passion and drive to our core values. To grind and hustle. To leave the past behind and shake hands with the future.

They told us it couldn’t be done. They told us our ideas were too revolutionary, our vision too groundbreaking. But we refused to listen. Because you can’t accelerate onto the freeway of excellence by driving in the slow lane of expectations.

The word failure isn’t in our vocabulary.

It all started with a crazy idea. What if we could growth-hack the capabilities of smart, algorithmic cloud-computing to deliver strategic insights and laser-focused analytics to entrepreneurs and mavericks throughout the data-sphere? Could it be done? Did it even actually mean anything?

We never bothered to find out. Because we’re not in the business of questions: we’re in the business of solutions.

Let me hit you with a cold, hard number-bomb. 100% of our solutions are strategically calculated to be completely effective 110% of the time. We maximize growth, and minimize whatever is the opposite of growth — let’s go with “stagnancy.” And that’s the truth. Because the truth is a fact, and a fact can’t tell a lie.

This is a big deal.

Privacy. Transparency. Efficiency. Success. These are all words. In order to enter the future together, we have to decide as a society what our next step will be. Will we fall behind, and fail our grandchildren? Or will we embrace the future in a warm hug of opportunity?

I certainly think so. Because I have faith in humanity, and I believe we will always do what’s right, or profitable, or whatever sounds cool at the time.

So let’s do this. Let’s pull up our bootstraps, roll up our sleeves, and all say together: The future is ours to create. We can all work together to make the world a better place. Because we’re all in this together — and only one team can win.

And I think that’s pretty cool.

***

This article has been largely satirical — though I did get a lot of help from tech writing around the web. Check out the very funny Keaton Patti at his website. Check out what I’ve written about some of the actual awesome things AI are capable of here.

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